Winning and losing battles.

A friend of mine came to me and asked me to help him. He was amazed at my weight loss and asked me to help him solve his weight problem. I was flattered and more then willing to help someone who needed guidance and a plan. I spent the time helping constructing a healthy meal plan, a work out regime and goals to accomplish. He went to Weight Watcher meetings and I thought things were going well until I discovered that he had fallen off the wagon a few short days later. He stopped attending meetings after a while. I figured that "Rome wasn't built in a day" and gave him further encouragement, however after a few short weeks he was back into his old ways. When I tried to speak to him about it he lashed out at me. I got frustrated, angry and confused. He had come to me, asked for my help. Why had I become the bad guy? I had invested all this effort to help them and what for? After some deep reflection I realized that....... this was Karma kicking my ass. LOL

I realized that I had done the exact same thing to my mom when I was younger.

I remember when I was really fat I would cry and be depressed about how heavy I was. I would lament to my mom that no boys liked me etc etc etc. I remember my mom decided to help me. We would go for walks, she would go out and spent money on a fitness system she saw on the TV or by paying for Weight Watchers when I was in high school. However, after a few weeks I resented the assistance I got from her. I lashed out at her, stopped trying and went back to my old ways. When she would comment about me sneaking extra cookies after dinner I would get so mad at her for that.

Why? It was hard and painful. Change is difficult. I guess nobody likes being told what to do. Eating fatty foods made me happy. It felt good to rebel. Being skinny seemed like an unobtainable goal and anybody who questioned my life or how I ran it didn't appreciate how awesome I was. Why did they want to change me? Did they think there was something wrong with me. I could point out their faults but didn't realized my own.

Well what I can see now is that they were worried about how I was treating my body. I was eating myself to death and anytime they tried to help I bit their head off. I wonder how frustrated she got at me. Could any one have said anything or done anything to help me? I am not sure. If my mom had yelled at me more would I have resented her or is it the structure I needed? Would my friend have resented me? I don't think I would have learned anything then. So at this point I want to thank my mom for caring.

How did I change? How does anybody change a bad habit? I do not think that anybody can say anything to change someones thought process.... not unless you are Tony Robbins. Even then... It has to be something the individual has to realize on their own. I think you really need to want to change with your entire being and perhaps something else has to be more painful. Usually there is a trigger. For me it was being kicked off that roller coaster at Wonderland for being too fat, the idea that I might never have a boyfriend or get laid again. The fact that I was a size 26 and that was as high as the store went. Those things hurt my soul. The pain created by those facts were worse then changing my lifestyle. For others it may be waking up and not knowing where they ended up, or being put into rehab, or not being able to pay your rent because you spent all your money on drugs or something.

"And only in the darkness can you see the light" It is true. I also think that you have to fight for what you really want in life. It reminds me of a quote from Eat, Pray, Love": "I remember an old catholic joke about a man who spent his whole life going to a church every day and prayed to the statue of a great saint begging "please, please, please, let me win the lottery." Finally the exasperated statue comes to life and looks down at the begging man and says "my son, please, please, please, buy a ticket." I would beg the gods to make me thin, but I never dieted. I never put in the effort. I just wanted everything to be magically fixed. Same goes for a job, how are you going to get the job of your dreams if you never send out any resumes? It won't always just fall in your lap.

I am not sure what I will say if my friend asks for my help again. I wonder when he will be really ready. I do hope him the best. I hope that he finds the drive that he will need for the long haul. :) Until then, I have my own battles to fight.